So... I pulled a Kylie Jenner.

It’s a common social expectation, now with social media and the internet in general, that people share anything and everything that happens to them. Got a new job? Social media post. Recently graduated? Social media post. Bought a new house? Social media post. And it’s not just the good things that people tend to post. Got in a car accident? Social media post. Stuck in a never ending line? Social media post. Now don’t get me wrong. I love social media. I love being able to keep up to date with my friends and family who I haven’t seen in a little while. I love posting pictures of memories that are special to me!

But, while we love social media and the people we follow on social media, when I found out that I was pregnant I didn’t want to post about it. It’s definitely not because I was embarrassed or ashamed - in fact it was the opposite! I was so excited about it. But I was also nervous.

Every day, I saw posts from my friends online of their pregnancies and their babies. I was obviously thrilled for all of my friends who were having babies. But something that started to creep in was something that I know I would struggle with if I let it get to me. And that was comparison. I was nervous to go public with my pregnancy because what if it wasn’t going how so-and-so’s was? What if I wasn’t matching the mommy-to-be expectations that you see online?

I was self-conscience about everything. I also didn’t feel like so many moms say they feel like when they’re pregnant. I didn’t feel like I had that special cosmic connection with the baby in my belly like other moms said they did. To be honest, at times I just felt detached. I was so so sick for the first 20 weeks, and the last 8. I had such terrible back and hip pain almost immediately. I was exhausted all the time. I struggled with high blood pressure and some other potentially scary complications. The last thing I wanted to do was then talk about it all the time. I didn’t feel like I was united with the baby growing inside of me, and so I didn’t know how to answer the questions that so many mom-to-be’s are asked regularly.

I always felt like there was the unspoken expectation that I should be loving my pregnancy, feeling a supernatural connection with my baby, looking and feeling radiant and beautiful because after all, children are miracles! Pregnancy is beautiful! Moms are so strong! I didn’t, I wasn’t and I certainly didn’t feel beautiful or strong.

There were days I would get to work, sit down at my desk, and immediately get sick in the garbage bin underneath my desk. I had to get Justin to pull over on the side of the highway, I’ve gotten sick in parking lots… so many parking lots. My pregnancy was anything but glamorous.

I didn’t want to have potentially every conversation about my pregnancy, because I wasn’t enjoying it. I didn’t want to hear other mom’s horror stories either. I just wanted to deal with things on my own, and figure out what works for me. I didn’t enjoy the idea of getting unsolicited advice from well-intentioned people who didn’t understand how I was really feeling.

So, when it came time to announcing to friends and family, they weren’t going to find out over social media. And I didn’t feel like it was a natural thing to bring up over text. So my options were telling people in person, or not at all. I decided to share the news with people in person. I knew that the people who would care most about me and how I was really doing were going to be the people I see in person. I felt like I could be authentic and honest with how I was really feeling. My pregnancy was never a secret. It was just something I omitted sharing to the hundreds of people I’m connected with online.

I hope that the people I’m friends with on social media, who didn’t know I was pregnant, that are reading this understand where I was coming from now.

Although, I will admit, I was excited to see the reactions of friends who didn’t know I was pregnant when they saw me at 8 months along, or the reactions when I finally made a birth announcement. Speaking of a birth announcement, I plan on writing another post (and when I do, I’ll link it here) about the birth story. Let me know if that’s something you’d like to read!

Below are some pictures of two maternity shoots I did with Justin.

These photos were taken by Justin, when I just couldn’t wait to get out there and take some! It was approximately -20 degrees celsius, the wind was sharp and ice cold. But the way these Canadian winters sometimes go, you never know when you’re going to have a beautiful snow covered day again! Luckily I was able to go out one more time for photos and get Justin in some with me too. But I’m happy Justin thugged it out with me in the freezing cold. To be fair though, he was wearing his heaviest duty winter parka. If anyone was going to complain about the cold it was going to be me, wearing this t-shirt thin maternity dress. Still… I think it was worth it.